Death By a Thousand Likes

When Dante climbed through Purgatorio and landed upon the second terrace he discovered those who dwelled there wore cloaks of grey and had their eyes sewn shut. The punishment for envy.

For Catholics it is one of the seven deadly sins, though lessons of jealousy and ego weave their way through most of the world’s philosophical texts. The Greek Gods were steeped in it so much that Phthonus himself was its personification.

In 2020 it has other names. Fitspo. Couple Goals. Blessed. Phthonus manifests in hashtags and camouflages himself in trends. And I am far from immune.

There are two photographers I have followed on social media for nearly a decade now. In my best moments I like their work, I recognize they too have had struggles, and I congratulate their perseverance. I have watched them grow their businesses. Chipped in my heart and thumbs up buttons as they booked campaigns, shot celebrities, and travelled the world. And in my most conscious moments I truly wished them well.

And yet.

I am also ripe for the darkness of a hate-follow. A term that has been developed for social media but is not a newly birthed emotion. When I have struggled to find my path I’ve looked at those women, strangers to me, and thought, “Why them?”. When I put my camera down as they began to rise I wondered, “What do they have that I don’t have?” My knowledge was just as good if not better, my experience just as valid, but I was arguing a losing side. Because those things didn’t matter. Their path was not my path.

In truth we are three very different photographers. One a sensitive artist pulled by nature and flowers, the other a glamorous model destined for shine, and myself a storyteller. What we have to offer technically and creatively are completely different skillsets. Objectively that is quite obvious, but when money and career get involved it is a distinction difficult to make.

Their success is not my failure.

Just as the models we see on Instagram do not have bodies more valid that our own. The curated lives of “friends” online are not a judgement of the way we live. We are not weakened by their strength.

I once read a teaching that was likely misattributed to Buddha. It said that a thousand candles could be lit by the same torch and it would not be diminished. Most things on the internet attributed to him aren’t real, but that doesn’t make the idea less true. Humans are driven by ego, lust, jealousy, rage. It is that primal competition which has kept us alive for thousands of years. The reasons have evolved with society, but it doesn’t make them any less present.

If I have failed the failure is my own. I am not lessened by the greatness of others. My body can never be someone else’s body.

It is a large pill that we must continually swallow.

Envy lingers in us all. Try as we might to keep it at bay we are ever threatened by its creeping vines.

“People want you to be happy. Don’t keep serving them your pain! If you could untie your wings and free your soul of jealousy, you and everyone around you would fly up like doves.” ~ Rumi